Demob suit

[RichardB]

This is the "clean" version of this very famous rant :

I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers and I know why they have gone all soft. It's because of their ‘poncy’ names, that’s what it is. Remember the old days when footy players kicked a ball made out of ten pounds of clay stitched inside a steel reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire? Well, in them days, players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Arthur, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack and Tommy. Tough names for tough men. And what do we have now? Gareth, Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie. Tarts names they are, just great big poufs.

No wonder the ball's like a balloon and shin pads are like slices of bread. In the old days you never saw Ken Shackleton or Billy Wright with a poufy little Sondico piece of paper down his little thin socks. That’s because shin pads in those days were made out of library books and socks out of sackcloth. Same with jerseys. None of these shirts with holes in them so they can breathe and so Jamie's hairless chest can breathe and he doesn't get a chill. Get real! Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a tent and shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his demob suit. Aye he bloody did.

No wonder players fall over whenever an opponent comes near them. And they never used to show their backsides at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He'd have got one of them size 13 hobnails up his chuff. Bloomin therapy for stress my backside! Stan Colleymore slaps his missus about and he takes three seasons off for stress counselling. What is that all about? In the old days, it was expected that footballers belted the old sow about a bit, especially after a bad defeat. And the old women used to expect it and so they should have, they was lucky to be married to footballers.

Ernie McShee of Port Vale got run over with a horse and cart one Friday night and still he turned out against Bradford the next day. And he scored two goals. That's cos he didn't have a poufy name. Good old Ernie. It is said he broke his hip, both legs, murdered his wife and buried her under the patio and still made the England team for the home internationals. Did he have any stress counselling? Did he heck!

And drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh no. In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before the kick off and you was lucky if you got that. By half time it had all but wore off so they pumped you full of Laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing and shooting up class A narcotics.

Goal celebrations. Don't talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the floor and thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh, I'd have liked to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank and crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner. Handshakes, that was all you got.

Sixty grand a bloomin week! Ha! I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence. Two bob is what Tommy Lawton used to get....a month! And Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It’s true you know. Players had to work them days just to make up their money. Not like today. Stan Pearson had to clean sewers and doubled up as the Old Trafford lavatory cleaner. He had to go off during one game because a log jam had built up and blocked the "U" bend. And that Eddie Hapgood, he was a male model, though he never liked to talk about it.

So I say we start calling kids real male names again. If you're having a kid don't even consider a poufy name like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise, what are we gonna get in twenty years time? The England team full of players called Ronan, Keanu, Ashley and Chesney. Sod that, call your kids Herbert, Len, Fred and Wilf and let’s get the poufs out of the game once and for all!"

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Made me laugh when I first read it about 10 years ago; still does.

[Guest Skipindave]

Nice one Richard, nice one son.......

Talking of names, didn't Joe Smith play for United, full back I think, he was manager at Blackpool when my Grandad used to take me to every home game, they always finished in the top 10 in the league, Runners Up one year I think, went to Wembley 3 times, won it once, then they sacked him, he didn't have a youth policy!

Most of the board had to have a "youth policy" explained to them! And it went downhill from then on.

Skipin Dave ;-)

[RichardB]

Back to the top for this one - just cuz the footie is on ...