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Guest JackD
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Sorry i had to post this ( My apoliges to all Female Members ).

I love it he he I must show it my daughter, she never stops and at 100 miles per min.

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Retro joke from the 1960's

What did the Reverend Ndabaningi Sithole say to Jomo Kenyatta ?

" Hasn't Harold Wilson got a funny Name"

I'll get mi coat.

HD

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"What do they call a woman with a bottle-opener in one hand, a knife in the other, and scissors and a corkscrew between her toes?" "A Swiss army wife" W/E.

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“Fifty Shades of Grey .....Hair”

The missus bought a

Paperback down Mumbles,

Saturday,

I had a look in to her bag;

T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,

At ten I went to bed.

An one hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand, she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Doris hasn’t weathered well;

She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

Things they went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and…

Said…..That I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris ,

You’d see just why I spluttered,

I’d spent two months in traction

From our last mad sex, I muttered.

She stood there nude, all naked like;

Bent forward just a bit ….

So I thought what the hell,

Stepped forward,

but stood on her left ***!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say, my jet black hair,….

Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

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I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries.

A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer,

and diabetes.

I'm half blind,can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,

and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation,

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

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I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries.

A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer,

and diabetes.

I'm half blind,can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,

and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation,

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

That's not very funny really.

As the DVLA places the onus on the driver to notify of any changes of health which could affect driving ability and not on doctors or medical staff it means that many drivers, some of them totally unfit and unsafe to be behind the wheel of a car don't bother to notify and carry on driving regardless.

They are a liability on our roads, an "accident" waiting to happen.

Although no one wants to surrender their licence and lose a certain amount of freedom perhaps at some point it is for the best.

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That's not very funny really.

As the DVLA places the onus on the driver to notify of any changes of health which could affect driving ability and not on doctors or medical staff it means that many drivers, some of them totally unfit and unsafe to be behind the wheel of a car don't bother to notify and carry on driving regardless.

They are a liability on our roads, an "accident" waiting to happen.

Although no one wants to surrender their licence and lose a certain amount of freedom perhaps at some point it is for the best.

Sorry to have caused any offence. But with your powers of Admin feel free to Delete the post..

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That's not very funny really.

Sorry to have caused any offence. But with your powers of Admin feel free to Delete the post..

I'm very open minded when when it comes to jokes,

but in this instance I will remove this one syrup as it could offend other members.

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Guest busy lizzy

Lets hear some of your favorite jokes

Come on.................... we all deserve a laugh!!!

This one is a little saucy but very funny

Subject: Old People




The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes!


An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth
between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For
goodness sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to
fish!"

Can you beat his???

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Guest busy lizzy

Thanks for that Steve,

you have redeemed my faith and confirmed what I already knew,Sheffield people are the funniest around!!

Great jokes!!

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Has Sheffield forgotten how to laugh?

Surely not!!!

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him something for ingenuity

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

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I know you're not meant to reply to this rubbish but couldn't resist; God Bless Victoria Wood.

Richard,

I did not do anything with Sarah during the weekend we spent together. We where closing three years of marriage and friendship.


Sent from my iPhone
Richard B@email address>
6:51 PM (16 minutes ago)
cleardot.gif
cleardot.gif
cleardot.gif
to serj360
cleardot.gif

I'd definitely have got naked, bent her over the hostess trolley and spanked her with a rolled up copy of the Radio Times ... probably.

cleardot.gif

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Cure for wife beating !

A woman goes to the Doctor in Sheffield, worried about

her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
"Well Doctor Rogers, I don’t know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens

to slap me around'."

The Doctor says: "Yes, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take

a little glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to

bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.


She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Every time he came

home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished,

and he didn’t touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...what’s the secret? How's does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet it’s no big secret.
The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that

does the trick."

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From: Mike xxxxx
Date: 11 August 2013 09:55
To: albert@nextsmallstep.com

"Hello
Am Mr Mike xxxxx .I would like to place an order of ( Trash Picker Upper Stick ) from your company to Haiti,kindly email me with the types you have and their prices and also ,your term of payment.Waiting for your prompt responses.
Thank You
Mike."

Sorry but I no longer have any 'Trash Picker Upper Stick's' in stock,

and my name is not Albert :blink:

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