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Blonde / Auzzie Joke

Late afternoon, blond driving back to Sydney sees a truck broken down & stops to help. The bloke explains he has 2 monkeys on board which he is taking to Taronga Zoo, they must get there today, can she take them, they can't be left in his truck over night. He offers her a substantial amount of money and the blond agrees, in fact she says it will be a pleasure and tells the man not to worry. They put the monkeys in the back of her station wagon and off she goes. The next day, the man has his truck fixed and is driving down George Street when he comes to a screeching halt. There is the blond walking down the street holding hands with the monkeys, one on each side. The man shouts out "What are you doing? They were supposed to be at the zoo last night!!" Oh they were, says the blond, and we had such a good time, I thought I'd take them to the aquarium today.

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A Countryman walking along the

streets of New York, found his progress stopped by a close barricado of wood.

"What is this for," said he to a person in the street.

"Oh, that's to stop the yellow fever."

"Ay, I have often heard of the Board of Health, but I never saw it before."

Published 1831

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A blonde was mowing the lawn in her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat that was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to John Lewis!

Why John Lewis??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

John Lewis is the largest re-tailer in Sheffield !!!

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A blonde was mowing the lawn in her garden and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat that was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to John Lewis!

Why John Lewis??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

John Lewis is the largest re-tailer in Sheffield !!!

A bit the long term unemployed bloke who wanted to go and live in place called "Jepardy" because he had heard there were 10,000 jobs there.

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TO: ALL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

FROM: THEIR SOVEREIGN MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II

__________________________________________________ _________

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus

to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths,

and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced

with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.

You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be

replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and

'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker

will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.

The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.

Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking

to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than

a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -

roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips,

and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.

Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper

British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth

and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further

confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell

attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears

removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour

like a bunch of nancies).

Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for

a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond

your borders, your error is understandable.

You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,

with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

(Signed)

ELIZABETH R.

Dear Queen,

Many of us over here in the U.S. were a little skeptical about your offer, but it's now 2011, and after nearly 3 years of Obama (or is it O'bama) your offer is sounding a whole lot better.... made sweeter, of course, by the exit of Mr. Brown of the, (ahem), "labor" party.

Sincerely,

We The People

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A young surgeon was lately apprehended at Sheffield, in England, charged with having stolen a bonnet, a satin slip, a dimity petticoat, a flannel petticoat, a pair of stockings with spring garters and another article of female apparel.

On examination, it appeared that the gentleman had not only stolen the clothes, but the lady who wore them.

Mamma, not liking her new son in law, took this revenge.

We are happy to add that the magistrate let him off.

1829

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The start of a beautiful friendship ?

Received this text :

Hi Sarah its nick the fireman x

u asked me to text u how are you xxx

My reply :

Happy to meet up for a drink and to discuss your uniform and hose, we can never be more than just friends mainly because I'm a 50 year old, baldy, 18 stone belligerent Yorkshireman called Richard !

x

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Photo on the night stand.

After a long night of making love, the guy

notices a photo of another man, on the woman's

nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his

ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,

hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...

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There are 4 men in a car going on holiday on a hot summers day.

One is a mechanical engineer, one an electrical engineer, one a chemical engineer, and one a computer technician.

All of sudden the car breaks down, the engine stops and the car comes to a standstill on the hard shoulder of a motorway in the middle of nowhere (so it's the M25 then lol )

The mechanical engineer says "it's a mechanical problem, - Ill fix it!"

So he dismantles half the engine, checks the valves, timings, clearances etc. and puts it back together.

It still doesn't work.

The electricl engineer says "it's an electrical problem, - Ill fix it!"

So he checks the battery, the alternator, the solenoid, the switches, the fuses and the spark plugs.

But it still doesn't work.

The chemical engineer says "it's a fuel problem, - Ill fix it!"

So he checks the fuel tank, the fuel filter, the injector the air:fuel carburation ratio and the combustion parameters.

But it still doesn't work.

So the computer technician says

"Perhaps if we close all the windows, and then open them agian it should work then"

lol

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It was the night of the swordsmen's sparring contest and the country's three best swordsmen were about to prove their skills.

The third best began. He raised his sword and cut a fly in two parts. The audience applauded.

The second best came on to the stage. He raised his sword and quarted the fly. The audience is thrilled and shouts of joy ring out.

The best swordsman comes on to the stage. He raises his sword and aims but the fly flies away.

A man in the audience calls out in disappointment. Man, you missed the fly!!

The best swordsman says "No, no. The fly is still living but it won't become a father any more!!

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Barry Cryer joke quoted today..

a man buys some LSD tablets, but leaves them on the kitchen table when he goes out.

When he comes back they're gone.

He asks his mother where they are, and his Mum says "Sod your tablets, there's a dragon in the shed!"

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Police in the Seychelles have recovered the arm of shark attack victim Ian Redmond.

It was identified by a tattoo on it saying S.W.F.C. league 1 champs 2011/12.

In a statement the policeman said that not even a shark would swallow that.

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A bloke is driving around the back lanes of Cambridgeshire

and he sees a sign in front of a broken down old farmhouse:

'Talking Dog For Sale"

'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The guy goes into the back garden and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when

I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told INTERPOL .

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a

dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't

getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job

at the airport to do some undercover security,

wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered

some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and

now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants

for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing!

'Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'

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A bloke is driving around the back lanes of Cambridgeshire

and he sees a sign in front of a broken down old farmhouse:

'Talking Dog For Sale"

'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The guy goes into the back garden and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when

I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told INTERPOL .

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a

dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't

getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job

at the airport to do some undercover security,

wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered

some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and

now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants

for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing!

'Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the garden'

That's my type of humour,

Funny really, of all the dogs I've met Labs can usually be trusted, it just goes to show :rolleyes:

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ONLY A MAN

WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant,

allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,

however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,

I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it.

She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,

I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,

directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference

(loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say,

'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us

both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm

tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had

never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,

obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),

I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

• My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

• The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

• My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

• My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

• I had no control over the drooling.

• Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

• I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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That's my type of humour, Funny really, of all the dogs I've met Labs can usually be trusted, it just goes to show :rolleyes:

All the dogs I've met, or more specifically, owned, have always been daft.

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Daft yes, but were they liars lol

Yes, - they pretend to be your friend and then without warning you find that your arm is trapped in the dogs jaws as it tries to take your arm off.

Must be something to do with the Police dog instinct.

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