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Guest JackD
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Sent to you by a female friend syrup :rolleyes:

It wasn't HRH Queen Elizabeth II was it? :unsure:

If i told you that i would have to Delete you.

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If i told you that i would have to Delete you.

Thats a scandal,

Stick the word "gate" on the end of it and sell it to the tabloid newspapers.

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One day Julius Caesar decides to invade Gaul. He assembles his armies and leads them out of Rome.

12 paces behind him is the front rank of the 1st cohort of the first legion.

Behind them are the ranks of the 2nd cohort.

Behind them the ranks of the 3rd cohort.

And so on until the ranks of the 10th cohort bring up the rear of the first legion.

There then follow the ten cohorts of the 2nd legion.

Followed by the 3rd legion.

Followed by the 4th legion.

Followed by the 5th legion.

Followed by the 6th legion.

Followed by the 7th legion.

Followed by the 8th legion.

Followed by the 9th legion.

And finally the 10 cohorts of the 10th legion bring up the rear.

Suddenly Caesar puts up his arm and shouts HALT !!

The 1st legion halts.

The second legion halts.

And all the 10 legions come to a halt.

All except one solder in the back rank of the 10th cohort of the 10th legion who keeps on marching.

He walks through the ranks of the 10th legion.

He carries on marching through the 9th legion.

He marches through the 8th. the 7th, the 6th, the 5th, the 4th, the 3rd, the 2nd legions.

He then marches through all the ranks of the 1st legion until eventually he emerges from the front ranks of the 1st cohort and begins to march towards Caesar.

At this Caesar turns around and bellows " I SAID HALT"

"OOH I'm Ever So Sorry" says the soldier.

"I Thought you said WALT".

HD

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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No.."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

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It could only happen in America !!

HD

So the USA claim they have won the match with a 1 - 1 score do they.

You'll be telling me next that the Germans think that the controversial goal scored by Martin Peters in the 1966 World Cup final wasn't really over the line and that they won the 1966 World Cup by losing 4 - 2 lol

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How can you take them seriously when 2 of their national sports are Netball and Rounders ?

I am told that in a report on this match in another American paper the reporter refers to it as a match between the USA and LONDON :blink:

Which just shows how little your average American actually knows about Britain. :angry:

We are the Americans special friends, so I wonder how much less they know about the rest of Europe :unsure:

And as for other, more hostile countries, -

IRAN is what they did in a race on sports day lol

IRAQ is a stand to support an Apple electronic device like an iphone, ipod or ipad he he

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A bloke walks into a pub and notices an acquaintance at the bar.

" What's up with you" he says "you've got a face as long as Norfolk Street" ( this is an old joke, it pre-dates the Town Hall extensions !).

"It's the Missus" he says, " she's driving me crazy, I can't put up with her any longer".

The first bloke says "why don't you divorce her".

"I can't afford to" he says, " she would want half my business and that would break me".

The next week the first bloke returns to the pub and discovers his pal is still stood there looking suicidal.

"Things no better" he says, "much worse" his pal replies.

"You see that ugly bloke in the other bar" the first bloke says, " He's called Arti and I shouldn't be telling you this but I've heard he will bump people off for a price"

" Oh I couldn't do that" his pal replies.

The third week and the situation has got even worse and he reluctantly goes to have a word with Arti.

Arti listens to him and tells him that for such a worthy cause he'll only make a nominal charge.

Arti tells him that he will only do the dirty deed somewhere in public where there are crowds for him to vanish into.

They decide that the best place to strike is outside the supermarket after she has completed her weekly shop.

"You'll have to tell me what she will be wearing" says Arti, "so I can get the right woman".

"She'll be wearing a red dress with a green coat and a brown bag" he says.

Arti waits outside the supermarket and eventually a woman walks out wearing a red dress with a green coat and brown bag.

Arti runs up to her and quickly throttles her and is just about to make his escape when another woman dressed in identical clothes walks out of the shop.

Thinking quickly Arti decides that he better strangle this woman as well, as he's not sure if he's got the right woman first time.

Of course this takes more time and Arti is arrested by a passing policeman and taken into custody.

The next day the Sheffield Star has a large banner headline.

ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO'S

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Dracula was walking down the street. Suddenly he's struck on the head by something. He looks down and there's a sausage roll on the pavement.

Puzzled, he keeps walking. Suddenly, whizz, something hits him from behind. He spins round really fast, but can't see anyone. When he looks down, there's a pork pie in the street. Then another bang on the head, this time from a pickled onion.

He continues, more cautiously, then suddenly he's pierced in the chest by a wooden cocktail stick, full of cheese and pineapple. As he lies there dying, he sees a young woman standing nearby. With his dying breath, he says 'Who are you'. She replies.....

'I'm Buffet, the vampire slayer'

http://sternbyname.staff.shef.ac.uk/humour/ bunch of stuff there.

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Dracula was walking down the street. Suddenly he's struck on the head by something. He looks down and there's a sausage roll on the pavement.

Puzzled, he keeps walking. Suddenly, whizz, something hits him from behind. He spins round really fast, but can't see anyone. When he looks down, there's a pork pie in the street. Then another bang on the head, this time from a pickled onion.

He continues, more cautiously, then suddenly he's pierced in the chest by a wooden cocktail stick, full of cheese and pineapple. As he lies there dying, he sees a young woman standing nearby. With his dying breath, he says 'Who are you'. She replies.....

'I'm Buffet, the vampire slayer'

http://sternbyname.staff.shef.ac.uk/humour/ bunch of stuff there.

So it was this young woman then

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So it was this young woman then

Indeed, a modern variation on Lester Piggot riding in the National - he was pelted with tins of salmon, shortbread, marmalade and a bottle of Scotch - he was hampered.

also Detorri riding - he was pelted with sponge fingers, cream, tinned fruit and custard - he came second and claimed he had been trifled with.

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Subject: Inner Peace - this really works!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning,

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies,

tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

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A Tory who dressed as Hitler and was photographed giving a Nazi salute has been suspended,

pending an investigation.

He has claimed that the picture had been leaked by political rivals.

"It's the only course of action available," said a spokesman yesterday. he he

National Tory party suspends fancy dress Hitler .. yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk

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A Tory who dressed as Hitler and was photographed giving a Nazi salute has been suspended,

pending an investigation.

He has claimed that the picture had been leaked by political rivals.

It may well have been, but it doesn't change the fact he thought it amusing to not only dress as Hitler, but give the salute to someone with a camera. Perhaps he was 'overtired' like dear old George Brown used to get?

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It may well have been, but it doesn't change the fact he thought it amusing to not only dress as Hitler, but give the salute to someone with a camera. Perhaps he was 'overtired' like dear old George Brown used to get?

Looks more like 'he overindulged' to me

:)

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It may well have been, but it doesn't change the fact he thought it amusing to not only dress as Hitler, but give the salute to someone with a camera. Perhaps he was 'overtired' like dear old George Brown used to get?

Or he could have just been thoughless, insensitive and just plain stupid to have done this in the first place.

Didn't Prince Harry get into a similar spot of bother a few years ago for an almost identical prank?

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Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it.

Ready?

scroll down, you'll love this..........

answer:

10 little piggy's,

2 calves,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares,

And of course one (1) cat!!

Now come on think about..

Sorry ( Slowly backing out the door )

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Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it.

Ready?

scroll down, you'll love this..........

answer:

10 little piggy's,

2 calves,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares,

And of course one (1) cat!!

Now come on think about..

Sorry ( Slowly backing out the door )

You forgot about the 2 eels (heels) lol

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Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

answer:

10 little piggy's,

2 calves,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares,

And of course one (1) cat!!

Now come on think about..

Sorry ( Slowly backing out the door )

They won't all fit in.

I've been trying all day and this is the best I can manage

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They won't all fit in.

I've been trying all day and this is the best I can manage

Reminds me of something that I have heard many a lady say ..

" Oh These Piggin Tights ... "

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