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I made myself a snowman,

As perfect as could be,

I thought I’d keep it as a pet,

And let it sleep with me,

I made it some pajamas,

And a pillow for its head,

Then last night it ran away,

But first-- it wet the bed.

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The wife and I went to Bakewell Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls...

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED

50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST

YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a

lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that

said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL

MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY

learn something from this one.'

I looked

at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it

was with the same old cow.'

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Yellow 24

A man goes to his doctor, feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24,

a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually

only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on Earth ."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the

bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never

seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" He screamed - "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24!!!!"

"Bugger me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well!!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

LIVING WILL...

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and

fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

They're such assholes…

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If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster .......

….. I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking???

Looks like the ladies of some American Temperance Society / Prohibitionists

Definately a good advertisement to continue drinking if you ask me.

Suprising that no big brewery has picked up on images like this and used it in their publicity. lol

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If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster .......

….. I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking???

QUIT DRINKING!!!! A PHOTO LIKE THAT WOULD TAKE YOU FROM BEING TEA-TOTAL TO AN ALCOHOLIC he hehe he AS WELL AS GIVING YOU NIGHTMARES :o

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If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster .......

….. I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking???

The one at the extreme left looks like "The Tiny Wifelette" ! No wonder I like a drink or several ...

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Looks like the ladies of some American Temperance Society / Prohibitionists

Definately a good advertisement to continue drinking if you ask me.

Suprising that no big brewery has picked up on images like this and used it in their publicity. lol

Oklahoma state is a "3.2" state, meaning you can only buy rubbish beer. 3.2% ? I'd need to be drinking 34 hours a day to make any progress. At a friends house-burning party in 2005, he and his wife said, there was a government/state run place where you could buy "real" booze; so off we went.

Spotting some Newcastle Brown Ale, albeit in small bottles, I said we'll have that.

The person serving said, "How many would you like, Sir ?" (Very polite).

He didn't quite understand the look I gave him, till my American friend said "I think he means All of it" and then some ...

Back at the party, another (very good) friend, reached into the barrel of ice we were using and pulled out a bottle of beer and said

"Hey, Richard, this tastes just like regular American beer"

The look I gave him after spotting the Coors Light label cannot be described.

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Newsarse :blink::unsure:<_<

I can't say I've heard of that particular news agency before lol

I read in the paper that the TV actor Ricky Tomlinson of "The Royale Family" is thinking of standing as an MP in his local Liverpool constituency as he is unhappy about voting for the candidates currently on offer.

Perhaps he should call his new party "Myarse" lol

To be fair I fully agree with Ricky Tomlinsons sentiments.

His main objection is that the constituency candidate is from down south, has never been to Liverpool before, and when asked some simple questions about the City had no idea, yet they expect to be able to represent the local people in Parliament.

I must admit, when I go to vote for someone to represent me here in my Sheffield Constituency I always look down the list of candidate addresses and won't vote for anyone who doesn't actually live in the City or have any connection with it, regardless of their party affiliation or my person political views.

But if they do live in Sheffield and get elected to go down to Westminster, that does not mean I support them claiming massive second home allowances, pulling craft mortgage fiddles, employing half their family as workers on generous allowances, claiming for a a house for the ducks, a new TV, cases of wine, expensive meals, Mars Bars ...... :angry:

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My cousin bought this.

Waste of money

He realised that he can only use it once. :o

lol

If it wasn't a hand operated hand shredder then he would be able to use it twice lol

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Guest lyndloo

LIVING WILL...

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and

fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

They're such assholes…

thats hilarious hahaha!!! he he

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  • 2 weeks later...

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words

"She were Thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the

funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and

would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved

"She were Thin".

He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the

stone for you"..

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud -

"E, She were Thin".

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Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist

"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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Only 10 people in the world understand binary

Those who do and those who do not

There are II types when it comes to understanding Roman Numerals. :)

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Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist

"Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

he he he he he he lol

Told this to a group of mates including some from Barnsley.

Joke went down well except with those from Barnsley

Serves them right for calling me a Dee-Dah, Doo - Dah lol

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Waterside Echo

There are II types when it comes to understanding Roman Numerals. :)

Binary, still not any wiser after looking it up! What about this one then, on the bus this afternoon a group of lads were discussing their approaching school prom, they wanted to hire a limo at a cost £280. The problem was that they had no idea what each would have to pay, one bright spark came up with the idea of recruiting another three of their mates to make it ten and that would be easier to work out. One by one they alighted until there were just two left, AsI got up to get off all I said was £28 each, not bad for ten of you, oh and by the way, the answer is £40, they just looked up and laughed. What did George Bernard Shaw once say, though in my experience I disagree. Those who can, do. Those that can`t, teach. With apologies to our learned friends. W/E.

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