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RichardB

News just in ...

Just revealed - Bob Marley's favourite type of scone ...

anything wi' jammin'

[blame Radio 2]

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  • 1 month later...
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Woman is appearing in court accused of stealing a tin of peaches.

'How many peaches were in the tin?' asks the judge

'Four, your honour' admits the woman

'Well I am sending you to prison for four months....one month for every peach' pronounces the judge.

As she's being led away to the cells, her husband shouts from the public gallery

'AND SHE STOLE A TIN OF PEAS......'

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Bloke walks into the pub and says to the barman "give me ten jd and cokes " The barman lines them up on the bar and the bloke downs every one. Then he looks at the barman and says "i shoudn,t have drunk that lot with what i,ve got" The barman says "why, what you got?" The bloke empties his pockets onto the bar and says "about £1.50"

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How Fights Start

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

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The House Behind The House

One of my fondest memories

As I recall the days of yore

Was the little house, behind the house,

With the crescent o'er the door.

Twas a place to sit and ponder

With your head all bowed down low;

Knowing that you wouldn't be there,

If you didn't have to go.

Ours was a multi-holer, three,

With a size for every one.

You left there feeling better,

After your job was done.

You had to make those frequent trips

In snow, rain, sleet, or fog--

To that little house where you usually

Found the Daily Mirror.

Oft times in dead of winter,

The seat was spread with snow.

Twas then with much reluctance,

To that little house you'd go.

With a swish you'd clear

that wooden seat,

Bend low, with dreadful fear

You'd shut your eyes

and grit your teeth

As you settled on your rear.

I recall the day Ol' Granddad,

Who stayed with us one summer,

Made a trip out to that little house

Which proved to be a bummer.

Twas the same day that my Dad had

Finished painting the kitchen green.

He'd just cleaned up the mess

he'd made with rags and petrol.

He tossed the rags down in the hole

Went on his usual way

Not knowing that by doing so

He'd eventually rue the day.

Now Granddad had an urgent call,

I never will forget!

This trip he made to the little house

Stays in my memory yet.

He sat down on the wooden seat,

With both feet on the floor.

He filled his pipe and tapped it down

And struck a match on the outhouse door.

He lit the pipe and sure enough,

It soon began to glow.

He slowly raised his rear a bit

And tossed the flaming match below.

The Blast that followed, I am told

Was heard for miles around;

And there was poor ol' Granddad

Sprawled out there on the ground.

The smoldering pipe still in his mouth,

His eyes were shut real tight;

The celebrated three -holer

Was blown clear out of sight.

We asked him what had happened,

What he said I'll ne'er forget.

He said he thought it must have been

The pint o beans hed et!

Next day we had a new one

Dad put it up with ease.

But this one had a door sign

That read: No Smoking, Please

Now that's the story's end my friend,

Of memories long ago,

When we went to the house

behind the house,

Because we had to go.

For those who never had to

trot out in the Cold.....

Just Give Thanks!!!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Three men were sitting together boasting about how they had given

duties to their new wives.

The 1st had married a woman from Greece. He said he had told his wife

she had to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a

couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home and saw a clean house

and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The 2nd had married a woman from Italy. He said he had given his wife

orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He

told them that on the first day he didn't see any results, but the

next day it was better. By the 3rd day he saw that his house was

clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that he told her

that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry

and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals

on the table for every meal. He said on the 1st day he didn't see

anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything, but by the 3rd day most

of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his

left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the

dishwasher and call a handyman.

lol lol lol

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Caught pleasuring himself in a muck-spreader. he he

He was found wearing rubber gloves and playing in the slurry for "sexual reasons". :o

Police who searched his home found 360 pairs of women's knickers and containers of liquid sludge and hard mud. :o

And It's all true .. The Sun, You can’t slurry love

Well It made me laugh lol

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Waterside Echo

Apparently a genuine photo. They've just installed the bollards.

Three men in the picture. so there has to be a joke in there somewhere !

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Three men in the picture. so there has to be a joke in there somewhere !

Not so much a "joke" as a "cock up" WE

They've just erected the bollards. - Look where the van is parked. :o

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Not so much a "joke" as a "cock up" WE

They've just erected the bollards. - Look where the van is parked. :o

On close inspection of the image vox

I would say that it's no more genuine than this one.

The funny thing is that ..

I was recently speaking to a lady and she made comment to this photo ..

And she said how cute my dog looked wearing his gas mask,

I did try to explain things but she just kept giving me very strange

looks of disbelief.

he he

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On close inspection of the image vox

I would say that it's no more genuine than this one.

The funny thing is that ..

I was recently speaking to a lady and she made comment to this photo ..

And she said how cute my dog looked wearing his gas mask,

I did try to explain things but she just kept giving me very strange

looks of disbelief.

he he

Never crossed my mind to look closer :(

Still - it's funny to imagine a situation like that. :)

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  • 1 month later...

'Jesus's face' spotted on the toilet door'

"I was only heading to the toilet and found God"

There is some debate over whether the face truly represents the Son of Man,

or whether it is in fact Gandalf out of the Lord of the Rings, or even a member of ABBA.

www.telegraph.co.uk

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'Jesus's face' spotted on the toilet door'

"I was only heading to the toilet and found God"

There is some debate over whether the face truly represents the Son of Man,

or whether it is in fact Gandalf out of the Lord of the Rings, or even a member of ABBA.

www.telegraph.co.uk

Looks very much like the image on the Shroud of Turin which is also supposed to be Jesus

However as carbon dating has revealed the shroud to be a medieval fake I don't think they are quite sure who it is on it

Perhaps its the same bloke who is on the toilet door lol

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'Jesus's face' spotted on the toilet door'

"I was only heading to the toilet and found God"

There is some debate over whether the face truly represents the Son of Man,

or whether it is in fact Gandalf out of the Lord of the Rings, or even a member of ABBA.

www.telegraph.co.uk

Nope, definitely Gandalf!

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I'm sure there will be a mass pilgrimage to Ikea in Glasgow,

and people will pay homage to the Great One.

But do they know who they pay visit to worship?

Looks more like Rasputin to me,

even the eyes are right.

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I'm sure there will be a mass pilgrimage to Ikea in Glasgow,

and people will pay homage to the Great One.

But do they know who they pay visit to worship?

Looks more like Rasputin to me,

even the eyes are right.

Sing-along !

Ra-Ra-Rasputin

Lover of the Russian Queen

He kicked a fishcake

Right down the Hall ...

something like that anyway lol

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I'm sure there will be a mass pilgrimage to Ikea in Glasgow,

and people will pay homage to the Great One.

But do they know who they pay visit to worship?

Looks more like Rasputin to me,

even the eyes are right.

Now a third of a century ago back in 1976 during my university days that image could have been ME :rolleyes:

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  • 1 month later...

When you mail a friend, past this into the email and write:

PS - Sorry, looks like I've passed on a bug. :)

He seems to be walking in a diagonal figure of 8 interrupted by regular pauses.

Perhaps he is trying to tell us something

If it was a bee it would be telling us something, - directions to a newly found source of nectar.

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He seems to be walking in a diagonal figure of 8 interrupted by regular pauses.

Perhaps he is trying to tell us something

If it was a bee it would be telling us something, - directions to a newly found source of nectar.

Well I'll be bug----d. :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sorry couldn't resist posting this I'm sure it counts for more than just me.

Doctor says I need more exercise and to get a bit of weight off.

To achieve this every Sunday morning I go out for a long walk around Sheffield taking my camera with me and keeping my eyes open for interesting local shots.

As a resuly of this I spend most Sunday afternoons on the Internet uploading the pictures I have taken and my comments about them onto Sheffield History

I haven't decided yet if this is a good or a bad thing for my health.

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