RichardB Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 News just in ... Just revealed - Bob Marley's favourite type of scone ... anything wi' jammin' [blame Radio 2] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xfox3x Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Woman is appearing in court accused of stealing a tin of peaches. 'How many peaches were in the tin?' asks the judge 'Four, your honour' admits the woman 'Well I am sending you to prison for four months....one month for every peach' pronounces the judge. As she's being led away to the cells, her husband shouts from the public gallery 'AND SHE STOLE A TIN OF PEAS......' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimbob55 Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Bloke walks into the pub and says to the barman "give me ten jd and cokes " The barman lines them up on the bar and the bloke downs every one. Then he looks at the barman and says "i shoudn,t have drunk that lot with what i,ve got" The barman says "why, what you got?" The bloke empties his pockets onto the bar and says "about £1.50" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesse Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 How Fights Start My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
syrup Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 The House Behind The House One of my fondest memories As I recall the days of yore Was the little house, behind the house, With the crescent o'er the door. Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head all bowed down low; Knowing that you wouldn't be there, If you didn't have to go. Ours was a multi-holer, three, With a size for every one. You left there feeling better, After your job was done. You had to make those frequent trips In snow, rain, sleet, or fog-- To that little house where you usually Found the Daily Mirror. Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was spread with snow. Twas then with much reluctance, To that little house you'd go. With a swish you'd clear that wooden seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear You'd shut your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear. I recall the day Ol' Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer, Made a trip out to that little house Which proved to be a bummer. Twas the same day that my Dad had Finished painting the kitchen green. He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made with rags and petrol. He tossed the rags down in the hole Went on his usual way Not knowing that by doing so He'd eventually rue the day. Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house Stays in my memory yet. He sat down on the wooden seat, With both feet on the floor. He filled his pipe and tapped it down And struck a match on the outhouse door. He lit the pipe and sure enough, It soon began to glow. He slowly raised his rear a bit And tossed the flaming match below. The Blast that followed, I am told Was heard for miles around; And there was poor ol' Granddad Sprawled out there on the ground. The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, His eyes were shut real tight; The celebrated three -holer Was blown clear out of sight. We asked him what had happened, What he said I'll ne'er forget. He said he thought it must have been The pint o beans hed et! Next day we had a new one Dad put it up with ease. But this one had a door sign That read: No Smoking, Please Now that's the story's end my friend, Of memories long ago, When we went to the house behind the house, Because we had to go. For those who never had to trot out in the Cold..... Just Give Thanks!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tsavo Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Three men were sitting together boasting about how they had given duties to their new wives. The 1st had married a woman from Greece. He said he had told his wife she had to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home and saw a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The 2nd had married a woman from Italy. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking. He told them that on the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day he saw that his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The 3rd man had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said on the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything, but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a handyman. lol lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveHB Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Caught pleasuring himself in a muck-spreader. He was found wearing rubber gloves and playing in the slurry for "sexual reasons". Police who searched his home found 360 pairs of women's knickers and containers of liquid sludge and hard mud. And It's all true .. The Sun, You can’t slurry love Well It made me laugh lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vox Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Why do men like their brides to wear white? Because it's important that your dish-washer should match the rest of the appliances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vox Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Apparently a genuine photo. They've just installed the bollards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Waterside Echo Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Apparently a genuine photo. They've just installed the bollards. Three men in the picture. so there has to be a joke in there somewhere ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vox Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Three men in the picture. so there has to be a joke in there somewhere ! Not so much a "joke" as a "cock up" WE They've just erected the bollards. - Look where the van is parked. :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveHB Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Not so much a "joke" as a "cock up" WE They've just erected the bollards. - Look where the van is parked. On close inspection of the image vox I would say that it's no more genuine than this one. The funny thing is that .. I was recently speaking to a lady and she made comment to this photo .. And she said how cute my dog looked wearing his gas mask, I did try to explain things but she just kept giving me very strange looks of disbelief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vox Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 On close inspection of the image vox I would say that it's no more genuine than this one. The funny thing is that .. I was recently speaking to a lady and she made comment to this photo .. And she said how cute my dog looked wearing his gas mask, I did try to explain things but she just kept giving me very strange looks of disbelief. Never crossed my mind to look closer Still - it's funny to imagine a situation like that. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveHB Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 'Jesus's face' spotted on the toilet door' "I was only heading to the toilet and found God" There is some debate over whether the face truly represents the Son of Man, or whether it is in fact Gandalf out of the Lord of the Rings, or even a member of ABBA. www.telegraph.co.uk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveH Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 'Jesus's face' spotted on the toilet door' "I was only heading to the toilet and found God" There is some debate over whether the face truly represents the Son of Man, or whether it is in fact Gandalf out of the Lord of the Rings, or even a member of ABBA. www.telegraph.co.uk Looks very much like the image on the Shroud of Turin which is also supposed to be Jesus However as carbon dating has revealed the shroud to be a medieval fake I don't think they are quite sure who it is on it Perhaps its the same bloke who is on the toilet door lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bayleaf Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 'Jesus's face' spotted on the toilet door' "I was only heading to the toilet and found God" There is some debate over whether the face truly represents the Son of Man, or whether it is in fact Gandalf out of the Lord of the Rings, or even a member of ABBA. www.telegraph.co.uk Nope, definitely Gandalf! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveHB Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 I'm sure there will be a mass pilgrimage to Ikea in Glasgow, and people will pay homage to the Great One. But do they know who they pay visit to worship? Looks more like Rasputin to me, even the eyes are right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichardB Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I'm sure there will be a mass pilgrimage to Ikea in Glasgow, and people will pay homage to the Great One. But do they know who they pay visit to worship? Looks more like Rasputin to me, even the eyes are right. Sing-along ! Ra-Ra-Rasputin Lover of the Russian Queen He kicked a fishcake Right down the Hall ... something like that anyway lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveH Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I'm sure there will be a mass pilgrimage to Ikea in Glasgow, and people will pay homage to the Great One. But do they know who they pay visit to worship? Looks more like Rasputin to me, even the eyes are right. Now a third of a century ago back in 1976 during my university days that image could have been ME Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vox Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 When you mail a friend, past this into the email and write: PS - Sorry, looks like I've passed on a bug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveH Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 When you mail a friend, past this into the email and write: PS - Sorry, looks like I've passed on a bug. He seems to be walking in a diagonal figure of 8 interrupted by regular pauses. Perhaps he is trying to tell us something If it was a bee it would be telling us something, - directions to a newly found source of nectar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vox Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 He seems to be walking in a diagonal figure of 8 interrupted by regular pauses. Perhaps he is trying to tell us something If it was a bee it would be telling us something, - directions to a newly found source of nectar. Well I'll be bug----d. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
syrup Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Sorry couldn't resist posting this I'm sure it counts for more than just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaveH Posted December 17, 2009 Share Posted December 17, 2009 Sorry couldn't resist posting this I'm sure it counts for more than just me. Doctor says I need more exercise and to get a bit of weight off. To achieve this every Sunday morning I go out for a long walk around Sheffield taking my camera with me and keeping my eyes open for interesting local shots. As a resuly of this I spend most Sunday afternoons on the Internet uploading the pictures I have taken and my comments about them onto Sheffield History I haven't decided yet if this is a good or a bad thing for my health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
syrup Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Just a Little Bit of Christmas Humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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