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AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLIN

YOU'R A BLOODY TOP-NOTCH BIRD

AND WHEN I SAY YOU'R GORGEOUS

I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD

SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE

I DON'T MIND A BIT OF FLAB

IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY

THERE'S SOMETHING THERE TO GRAB

SO YOUR BELLY ISN'T FLAT NO MORE

I TELL YA, I DON'T CARE

SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA

I CAN GET MY ARMS ROUND THERE

NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE

HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS

THEY JUST GAVE IN TO GRAVITY

BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST

I'M TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW

I NEVER TELL YA LIES

I THINK IT'S VERY SEXY

THAT YOU'VE GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS

I SWEAR ON ME NANNA'S GRAVE NOW

THE MOMENT THAT WE MET

I THOUGHT YOU WAS AS GOOD AS

I WAS EVER GONNA GET

NO MATTER WHAT YA LOOK LIKE

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR

NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTY'S ON

AND FETCH ANOTHER BEER

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Quiz for the elderly

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are

interested in them? A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep

busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are

done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that

true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode

Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A: Tell

him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory

storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter

antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

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A rich Barnsley lad wants to commemorate his well-loved dog, who has just died, by making a gold statue of it, so he pops off to his local jeweler.

He says to the jeweler "Can thee mek me a gold statue o' me dog?"

The jeweler replies, "Certainly, sir. Would you like it 18 carat?"

To which the Barnsley lad says, "No daft lad, I want it chewing a bone!" he he

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Barnsley chap is worried about his sick cat so he takes to the vet,

"what's the problem" asks the vet

"well it's not eating reight and it's making some proper strange sounds" replies the worried owner

"How old is it" asks the vet

"eck I've ad it since it were a nipper"

"is it a tom" asks the vet

"nay lad" he replies "I brought it we me"

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These are all supposed to b e taken from court proceedings, not sure how many are real but still quite funny.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

_____________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_____________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've

forgotten?

_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

___________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that

morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

_____________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the

occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

_____________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?

_____________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

_____________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

____________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

____________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated? lol

____________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

_____________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice

which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies were performed on dead people.

_____________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

_____________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

____________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

____________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the

autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

somewhere.

This is what you get with legal aid!

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

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RichardB

Jeeze, I'm either old, drunk or both; took me four reads to work this one one !

Both, sounds good .... he he

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Fowl story

Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result.

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a pullitician in the making: Who else but a pullitician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

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Sex against a fence

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over

fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen ...

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing .

I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

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SteveHB

A guy walks into Maces pet shop and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete nonsense, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into Ogleys pet shop and asks for a canary; no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop is Turners tool shop, he wanders in holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home. A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders back to the tool shop. The owner, recognizing him and asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports, "Bird's dead." The tool shop owner shares his sorrow and asks, "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies, "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."

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OLD DOGS RULE

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell terrier named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story:

Don't mess with the old dogs -- Age and Skill will always overcome

Youth and Treachery!

Bullshit and Brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged.'

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I like a story with a moral. This is an old Russian folk tale that has 3.

On a remote farm in the north of Russia, a young boy had a pet canary. The bird would sit in its cage by the door and sing all day long. Until one day, in the depths of winter, with the temperature at 40 below, someone left the door open, and the canary succumbed to the cold. The young boy found it barely alive, and knew he had to warm it up. He spotted the farm's steaming dung heap, and scooped a hole in the top, and buried the bird up to its neck, then went off to do his chores. After a while the canary recovered and began to sing again. Unfortunately the farm cat heard it, dug the bird out and ate it.

As I said, the story has 3 morals.

1. It's not always your enemies who drop you in it.

2. It's not always your friends that get you out of it

and 3 When you're up to your neck in it, don't whistle!

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I decided to put the following in this section 'As It Made Me giggle'

An email that I recived today .....

" THIS IS MY THIRD AND FINAL NOTICE !

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Jürge Krügger. I once again notify you as my earlier letter was returned undelivered. I wish to notify you that the late Engr. Jürge Krügger made you a beneficiary to his will. He left the sum of Thirty Million, One Hundred Thousand Dollars (USD$30, 100.000.00) to you in the Codicil and last testament to his WILL.

This may sound strange and unbelievable, but it is real and true. Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good. Engr. Jürge Krügger until his death was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers.

According to him this money is to support your humanitarian activities and to help the poor and needy in the society. Please if I reach you as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job. I hope to hear from you in no distant time.

Note: You are advise to contact me with my personal email address: xxx removed xxx

I await your prompt response.

Yours in Service,

Jennifer Chambers Esq

Partner

Attorney at Law

Allen & Overy LLP, UK"

How the Hell do they think Um Up ....... lolhe he lol

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TO: ALL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

FROM: THEIR SOVEREIGN MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II

__________________________________________________ _________

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus

to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths,

and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced

with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.

You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be

replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and

'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker

will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.

The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.

Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking

to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

6.Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than

a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -

roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips,

and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.

Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper

British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth

and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further

confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell

attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears

removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour

like a bunch of nancies).

Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for

a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond

your borders, your error is understandable.

You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to

ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs,

with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

(Signed)

ELIZABETH R.

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  • 3 months later...
  • 2 months later...
Guest skeets

AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLIN

YOU'R A BLOODY TOP-NOTCH BIRD

AND WHEN I SAY YOU'R GORGEOUS

I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD

SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE

I DON'T MIND A BIT OF FLAB

IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY

THERE'S SOMETHING THERE TO GRAB

SO YOUR BELLY ISN'T FLAT NO MORE

I TELL YA, I DON'T CARE

SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA

I CAN GET MY ARMS ROUND THERE

NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE

HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS

THEY JUST GAVE IN TO GRAVITY

BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST

I'M TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW

I NEVER TELL YA LIES

I THINK IT'S VERY SEXY

THAT YOU'VE GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS

I SWEAR ON ME NANNA'S GRAVE NOW

THE MOMENT THAT WE MET

I THOUGHT YOU WAS AS GOOD AS

I WAS EVER GONNA GET

NO MATTER WHAT YA LOOK LIKE

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR

NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTY'S ON

AND FETCH ANOTHER BEER

Very good Jack Have you seen this one, The teacher asked the boys to draw something on the blackboard YOU DRAW,[ all words in capitals] like the first boy did DRAW A SEMICIRCLE ABOUT 3/INS WIDE,THEN A LINE OF EQUAL LENGTH ACROSS THE BOTTOM, DOWN FROM THE CENTRE OF THIS LINE, ANOTHER LINE DOWN [about equal length] WITH TWO O'S TAGGED ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER ON THE END ] Teacher"whats that" Chamberlains :P umberella he replied, [that shows how old this is]very good he said , can anyone add to that [,2cnd boy ] drew a line HALFWAY FROM THE CENTRE LINE AT EACH SIDE DOWN AND ROUND THE UMBERELLA HANDLE , TO FORM AN ELECTRIC LIGHT BULB "whats that" an electric lightbulb and shade he said , "very good can anyone improve on that? "another boy drew TWO LINES EQUALLY AT EACH SIDE[,roughly about a quarter of a circle] HALFWAY FROM FROM THE END OF THE UMBRELLA ,TO THE START OF THE BULB[ABOUT A1/4 OF AN INCH APART] [FOR THE OLDIES ] ROUND TO THE CENTRE OF THE BULBOUS PART OF THE BULB What ever is that he said , before the lad gave his answer-------you all tell me Skeets lol
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Guest skeets

I like a story with a moral. This is an old Russian folk tale that has 3.

On a remote farm in the north of Russia, a young boy had a pet canary. The bird would sit in its cage by the door and sing all day long. Until one day, in the depths of winter, with the temperature at 40 below, someone left the door open, and the canary succumbed to the cold. The young boy found it barely alive, and knew he had to warm it up. He spotted the farm's steaming dung heap, and scooped a hole in the top, and buried the bird up to its neck, then went off to do his chores. After a while the canary recovered and began to sing again. Unfortunately the farm cat heard it, dug the bird out and ate it.

As I said, the story has 3 morals.

1. It's not always your enemies who drop you in it.

2. It's not always your friends that get you out of it

and 3 When you're up to your neck in it, don't whistle!

Heres another tale with a moral-----An old farmer was summoned for jury service and the plaintiff only had circumstantial evidence against him , So the jury went out and all found him guilty except the old farmer who said he would never find anyone quilty on circumstantial evidence, and proceeded to say why, When l was a big strong young fellow and we milked by hand, a new cow that l had newly purchased , would waddle and lash out its tail when l sat down, it would knock me arse over poo poo and l would land in it , this happened several times so l ses i'll cure you you bugger and got a bit of rope and a big nail knocked in the side of the stall an tied its tail to it, then l tied its legs together good and firm, before l sits down again l finds l wants to make water, so l lobs him out and did it on the stall, l was just shaking the drops off AND the wife came in and just stood and stared at me and then at the cow. Now thats why l dont like circumstantial evidence its nearly sixty years ago and she still won't believe me ,,Skeets

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Heres another tale with a moral-----An old farmer was summoned for jury service and the plaintiff only had circumstantial evidence against him , So the jury went out and all found him guilty except the old farmer who said he would never find anyone quilty on circumstantial evidence, and proceeded to say why, When l was a big strong young fellow and we milked by hand, a new cow that l had newly purchased , would waddle and lash out its tail when l sat down, it would knock me arse over poo poo and l would land in it , this happened several times so l ses i'll cure you you bugger and got a bit of rope and a big nail knocked in the side of the stall an tied its tail to it, then l tied its legs together good and firm, before l sits down again l finds l wants to make water, so l lobs him out and did it on the stall, l was just shaking the drops off AND the wife came in and just stood and stared at me and then at the cow. Now thats why l dont like circumstantial evidence its nearly sixty years ago and she still won't believe me ,,Skeets

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  • 1 month later...
RichardB

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia ..

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.

Have lost all my friends.. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,

By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,

' For fast relief.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

etc etc

bother.bmp

dogs.bmp

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Guest JackD

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, ’I’ll give you £800 to drop that towel...’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ’Who was that?’ ’It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.’Great,’ the husband says, ’did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ’Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, ’Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ’Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ’Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ’I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ’Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk ’I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care inthe world.’ Puff! She’s gone. ’Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ’I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He’s gone. ’OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, ’I want those two back in the office after lunch’

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ’Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ’Sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. ’I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ’but I haven’t got the energy.’ ’Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend...(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

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