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Sheffield Humour

Paul Worrall

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Sheffield Jokes


A grieving husband goes to see a stonemason to arrange to have a headstone made for his late wife.  The husband explains that his wife had been a devout Methodist and consequently he wants the headstone to contain a simple inscription, ‘She Was Thine’.


When the husband returns a few days later the stonemason unveils the headstone and the inscription reads, ‘She Was Thin’.  The husband crossly states ‘you’ve made a mistake, you’ve missed out an e’.  The stonemason apologies and says leave it with him and he’ll correct the error.


When the husband returned a few days later the stonemason unveiled the headstone and the inscription read, ‘E She Was Thin’.



A bloke from Sheffield goes into a cafe in London and orders a burger.  The girl behind the counter asks him, ‘Mas-to-don?’ 

The bloke replies, ‘Ant tha got owt a bit fresher?’



Two blokes are discussing their holiday plans;

‘Wier tha goo-in fo thi olidays?’

‘Mill Beach’

‘Mill Beach, wiers dat?’

‘Afe way b’tween Millhouses and Beauchief.’



‘A bloke in a toilet paper suit was arrested walking down West Street’.

‘What was he arrested for?’




‘Awr lass fetched me back a bottle of fifteen year old single malt duty free, ave ad it in’t cupboard fo five year, which mecks it a twenty year old single malt.’





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A Sheffield man walks into a pub..............................
Behind the bar is a sign which read "A pint of beer, a woman and a pie for two pounds"

"Is that reyt?" he asked the barman "A pint o'beer, a woman and a pie for two pounds!?"

"Yes" came the reply

The man thought about it for a few moments.................
"Hang on............Who's pies are they?"

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A couple of bus jokes..............

Old lady asking conductor...." Does it go to Bridge Street ?"

Conductor.."No love, Pond Street."

Old lady...." Well, it says 'City' on't front."

Conductor..." Aye love, an' it sez 'India' on't tyres but we're not gooin' theer either !"


( This one's vulgar )

A big queue waiting for the bus home outside a steel works at a temporary stop with no shelter in the pouring rain. The bus arrives and the conductor is on the back platform counting them on. When it gets to the man at the end of the queue he stops him getting on with....

" Sorry mate, we're full."

The man is drenched and says...." Oh come on, there's only me left and it's pouring down."

Conductor....." Sorry, 8 standing that's the rules mate, we're full."

Man....." I don't believe this....how long will the next one be then ?"

Conductor, ringing the bell .." Same length as this one mate, 30 foot !"

Man...." Oh aye, clever b * * * der, an' will that one have a  * * * * house on't back like this one's got ?!"



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