Newspaper Cuttings

[GillMar]

Press Cuttings

A selection of funny newspaper cuttings sent in by listeners.

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist 2 or more people born out of wedlock. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. 2 or more people born out of wedlock has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who , if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

[DaveH]

Press Cuttings

A selection of funny newspaper cuttings sent in by listeners.

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who , if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

For someone who now lives in mainland Europe you seem to have access to a very wide variety of British newspaper cuttings, and they are quite funny.

However, having once watched a Channel 4 TV programme late on Friday night called "EuroTrash" I suspect that your more local continental papers will contain items which are equally as amusing.

[GillMar]

I saw it on another forum and, not wishing to copy, googled it by way of crocus and HH

The crocus number was my favourite and I thought that by posting the lot, it would maybe divert from the really funny one. Just think of looking out of your window in Spring and seeing HH! And what the neighbours must have thought.....

BTW I don't know Euro Trash?

I teach English at the Senior Citizen Centre in the town and am often on the lookout for scurrile English sayings, jokes, etc.

Learning with laughter!!!

[DaveH]

I saw it on another forum and, not wishing to copy, googled it by way of crocus and HH

The crocus number was my favourite and I thought that by posting the lot, it would maybe divert from the really funny one. Just think of looking out of your window in Spring and seeing HH! And what the neighbours must have thought.....

BTW I don't know Euro Trash?

I teach English at the Senior Citizen Centre in the town and am often on the lookout for scurrile English sayings, jokes, etc.

Learning with laughter!!!

Euro Trash isn't on TV these days.

It was a sort of comedy programme, presented by 2 Frenchmen who spoke English with a very strong, and I suspect heavily exagerated and put on French accent. along with the heavily breast and lip implanted Lola Ferrari who has since died. For it's comedy it relied heavily on unusual, strange and funny news items from across Europe. Many British people have their own humour and consider that other Europeans have no sense of humour and that they are not funny. I suppose Eurotrash went some way to disproving this myth by showing Europeans as being funny, - but in a different sort of way. The programme however also relied heavily on adult language, sexual inuendo (hence the role of Ms. Ferrari) and frequently featured on screen nudity. Although the programme went out fairly late on Friday nights I am sure it was this type of content that lead to its demise.

If you have not heard of it I suspect that although the programme claimed to be "International" like the Eurovision song contest is, that actually it just went out on British TV then.

[DaveH]

BTW I don't know Euro Trash?

Link to the Channel 4 Eurotrash website to give you an idea.

I don't think you will be able to watch the video clips though as they require the C4 player due to broadcasting rights in the UK and it may only work in this country, but it's worth a try.

During one of Jasper Carrott's comedy show (a well known comedian from Birmingham) he mentioned the fact that BBC TV can be received on the near ccontinent in northern France, Belgium and Holland then he suddenly broke out into speaking a few sentences in Dutch, and then reverted to English to explain what he had said.

"For those who don't speak Dutch I have just said that if there are any Dutch people watching this show, then over here in Britain we all have to pay a £145 a year licence fee to watch it, so how about paying up your share" lol

[DaveH]

I teach English at the Senior Citizen Centre in the town and am often on the lookout for scurrile English sayings, jokes, etc.

In Great Britain (that's England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales) there is a whole series of different and long running jokes which start off with the line

"There was this Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman...."

At the end of the joke it is always the Irishman who is made out to look stupid.

I found out from EuroTrash that in Scandinavia there is a similar set of jokes that start off with the line

"There was this Norweigian, Swede and Dane...."

It turns out that except for the Nationalities the jokes are identical, except I've forgot who it is that is supposed to be stupid, - I think it was the Dane.